Quick, to the slutcave!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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