I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
