I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
