i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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