Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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