I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
