Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
