Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
