She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
