I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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