so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
