Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
