Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
