...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
