Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
