I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
