i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
