I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sober January is a disaster.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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