So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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