I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
