Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
