honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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