I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
