I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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