Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Alive.
So much puke
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
