I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
