Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
