omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
