your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
