BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
