You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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