they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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