I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Did I show you my penis last night?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
