I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
