i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
