Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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