get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So many bounce houses so little time
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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