my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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