Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
