I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
