Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
