I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
