Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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