It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
