I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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