I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
