Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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