oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
