Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
