I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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